185-200

185. Words of encouragement when I am my most vulnerable
186. Sermons that speak right to my heart.
187. Family nap-time.
188. Spontaneous meals with family and old friends.
189. Little boys who still enjoy being rocked.
190. Lazy Sundays.
191. Oldest One's joy at pulling off a well-planned trick on his mother. :)
192. A back porch for drinking chai.
193. Open invitations to backyard swimming pools.
194. One tiny speck of progress in attitude when things don't go my way.
195. Littlest One's monumental progress in speech.
196. Brothers who play together.
197. Shared recipes between friends.
198. Instant friendships formed between boys at the park.
199. Community gardens.
200. Simplicity of a ball that provided almost an hour of play at a crucial time. Whew!

181-185

181. Precious time with just my littlest one.
182. Evidence of progress with first born.
183. Husband who values time spent with his family.
184. Play date plans with old friend and new friend together.
185. Fluttery feeling of excitement as I sense I am on the path God wants me...

What I've Learned

I'm smack dab in the middle of summer and am relishing the unscheduled days, the spur of the moment plans, the late evenings spent playing outside as a family. As I try to savor every moment, I can't help but start to plan for the fall and it's only natural that I reflect on the last year. 

It was awesome in so many ways. God has given me a plethora of opportunities that have stretched and challenged me, and while hard at times, it has been incredibly exciting and fun. I learned so much this year, about myself, about others, about church, and about God. 

About myself...

• I love to lead! I've always known that about myself, but tried to suppress it, worried that it was a sign of pride and control. While it's good to always be aware of my motives, I now understand that God wants us to enjoy the gifts that He gives each and everyone of us, and He wants us to use them to the fullest for His glory. When we love what we do, the fruit of our labor is so much better for His kingdom! I have battled with the concern that because I liked leading, it was somehow selfish for me to actually do it. Yet God tells us in 1 Peter 4:10 "As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace..." God gave me the gift, and more importantly the desire, to lead, and both are required if I am going to do His work effectively. 
• It's okay to just be okay. I've used this line before, but I'm going to say it again...my greatest weakness is God's greatest opportunity. If I claim that I can't do something, what a wonderful opportunity for God's glory to shine through when He gives me victory! Never in a thousand years did I think I could lead a bible study group, but with God's grace and provision, I just completed my first year as a bible study leader. I still marvel that I, a former non-believer, am in a role of encouraging other women in their walk with the Lord. I always thought that I had to be completely mature in my faith before I could help others, but now I know that faith without works is dead. I will never be mature in my walk until I actually step out and serve. If I wait until I'm perfect, it will never happen.
• It's possible to over-commit. I was so excited to finally live out my faith that I didn't say "No" to any opportunity that came my way. I wanted to try out everything to see what role fit me best. However, in my eagerness, I took on too much and risked the chance of not performing to the best of my ability. Instead of doing one thing great, I did several things good or even just okay. Do I regret this decision? Perhaps. I regret letting down the team of people that I was not able to give 100%. I am slightly disappointed in myself that I was not able to do it all like I had hoped. However, I did learn the value in budgeting my time and commitments and treating every hour of every day as a precious commodity. As I reflect over the past year, I realize that I crammed my schedule too full, even though I would justify it by comparing it to other women who had much more on their weekly calendars than I did. This was a common phrase in my life last year: "___________ has a much busier schedule than I do! She works in two different kid's classrooms and juggles sports between them all year long! I don't do any of that!" Or this: "Bunco is only once a month! I can handle that!" However, I had three other things that were only once a month, and once you add all those together, I had another commitment to something every week now (because of course they each fell on a different week). There are only seven days in the week, 24 hours in a day. Treat each one as sacred. We all know the importance of budgeting our money. Now I realize our time is just as important. 

About others, church, and God...

• (Most) people aren't looking for perfection in leaders. They are looking for authenticity. When I would confess at bible study that the only reason I completed my homework was because I got up at 6:00 that morning and did all four days at once (and I only did that because I was the leader, otherwise I would've shown up with it unfinished!), the group of ladies would laugh and nod their heads in agreement as they showed me their own half finished pages. When I visibly cried to my group while sharing the difficulty of raising my strong-willed four year old son, they wrapped their arms around me and prayed for me and shared their own struggles of parenthood. Perfection is intimidating, authenticity is comforting. Which would you prefer?
• People and relationships are messy. Church is made up of people and relationships. Ergo, sometimes church can be messy. But it's real. We do the best we can, we try our hardest to live out the life Jesus led, and when we fail, we repent and try again. I have the utmost respect for the leaders at my church who confess when they mess up and ask for forgiveness. Remember what I just said? I don't want to be led by perfection...I want to be led by real, honest, God-fearing teachers. That is where I learn the most...by examples of transparent lives of the people I respect the most. 
• God never gives up on me. He has been by my side since day one and even though at times I have ignored and even outright rejected Him, He has never left me. His love is unfailing and unending and I am so incredibly proud to be called His daughter. I eagerly look forward to more opportunities to learn more about Him and to be a part of His story. 

I can't wait to see what the next year brings me. More opportunities to lead? To speak? To teach? Perhaps. God might have a different plan all together actually. I don't really know. But you know what? I am going to go out on a limb and say this: I hope I get to do all those things. The thought of doing them gives me butterflies and I can't help but grin with giddiness when I imagine it. As I am tingling with excitement at the possibilities, my eyes simultaneously fill with tears at the sheer awe that God would provide them to me. I feel like I am on the brink of discovering God's plan for me, and it is just amazing. Though I've never skydived (and never want to!), I liken it to the feeling of standing at the doorway of the plane, getting ready to jump. Luckily, I've got God as my parachute. :)

166-180

166. True, honest, real life friendship. Oh how I've missed that.
167. Forgiveness of a child.
168. Others who see something in me I didn't see in myself.
169. Courage to have those honest, but hard conversations.
170. Little boys who want to be just like their father. "Me be Daddy!"-Littlest One
171. Husband who asks the tough questions in order for our marriage to grow...even though it is so incredibly hard to be vulnerable, even with my spouse.
172. Seeing a glimpse of purpose in the pain of the past.
173. Moments in a coffee shop, just me, an iced coffee, and a blank screen to write, write, write!!!!
174. Repentance...a humble and submissive attitude only God could have placed inside me.
175. Spur of the moment backyard gatherings.
176. Plans in the not-so-distant future that excite, motivate, and drive us forward.
177. Growth and courage of Husband in an uncomfortable and lonely season of life.
178. Whispers from God reminding me its okay to just be okay. Perfection is not a requirement to enter into His kingdom.
179. Progress on the house that we call "home."
180. Finding the courage to write again.

161-165

161. Whispers from God that keep me on HIS path.
162. A husband's confident words, reminding me of goals made.
163. Strength to steer the car home rather than the place of jealousy and bitterness.
164. Evidence of husband's love and sacrifice all around me, every single day.
165. Opportunities that allow God to do His work in me, even when it hurts.

156-160

156. A day of nothing after a day of busy.
157. Something written and posted...even just something.
158. Spontaneous visits from neighborhood friends.
159. Scheduled time with someone very missed.
160. Time to sit and read a book because I want to, not because I have to.

But You Are

Two months ago, I began drafting a blog post. This is what I wrote:

4:40 am. Though my eyes pop open instantly, the black of the sky tells me the world is still asleep. A quiet glance at the clock confirms it, as do the two sleeping bodies in the hotel room with me. Though I give myself permission to go back to sleep, rest eludes me. My racing mind picks up right where it left off just five hours earlier when I had, just like I was trying to do now, willed myself to sleep. This time though, the attempt was futile.

4:55 am. I quietly slip into my jeans, grab my bible, and ease out the door, careful not to wake M & J. I rub sleep from my eyes and stifle a yawn as I make my way down to the business center. I settle into a computer, place my hands on the keyboard, and...freeze.

Oh, Lord, what do I want to say? How can I put into words the feelings and emotions and ideas that are pouring into me with the subtlety of a fire hydrant? I am drenched with the living water of the Holy Spirit and because I have known the barrenness of dry land, I could reach back and touch it the memory is so close to home, I welcome the gush and do not dare turn away.

I know this: I do not want to forget this moment. This day. This week. This year. Though I accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior almost 10 years ago, 2012 will forever be marked in my personal history book as the game changer. And this first week of November will forever be remembered as the moment of ?????????????????????????????????????????

And there began my case of writer's block. It's been over two months since I wrote anything. I always planned to go back and replace those question marks with words, yet the words wouldn't come. Every time I sat down to write, my mind would freeze like it did back in November when I typed out the original, unpublished post. Though I longed to share so much, the words just remained stuck, hidden, elusive.

What I have come to realize, however, is that even if the perfect words aren't there, I must just start. Start moving my fingers over the keyboard and get words up on the screen. It may not be pretty, it may not be
perfect, but it's a start. So here it goes.

When I began writing that post in November, I was in a hotel room in Nashville, Tennessee, attending a Women's Leadership Conference with Janet, the Women's Ministry Director of my home church, and good friend, Megan. Three days of inspiring speakers, thought-provoking seminars, intentional conversations, and powerful worship sessions culminated in a sleepless night that led me to the computer that early morning. Though I couldn't come up with the word that could describe the significance of that week in November, perhaps I can now. If 2012 will be marked as the game changer, then November can be described as the time I went from defense to offense. After nearly a year of focusing on myself and my spiritual well-being, it became apparent to me that it was time to focus on others and spreading God's message of love and redemption. Why else would God take me to a leadership conference? Out of all the qualified and deserving women to pick from, He chose me, a former doubter, a girl with no leadership experience at all, a girl so young in her own mind that she still calls herself a "girl" even though she is nearly 30 years old with a husband and two children.

And He didn't take me to just any conference. This wasn't a conference that focused on my spiritual growth, but rather on how to minister to other women and grow their relationship with God. It was a conference for leaders...to lead other women. But wait...I'm not a leader...am I? I voiced that question aloud to Megan during the trip and who, in my mind, is very clearly a leader.  I will always be grateful for her simple, reassuring answer to me: "But you are."

I think the phrase I say to God most often is "I am not ________ enough." The blank looks different depending on the situation, but in terms of service and sharing God's love and spreading His message, it usually gets filled in like this:

"I am not talented enough."
"I am not smart enough."
"I am not wise enough."
"I am not experienced enough."
"I am not good enough."

And at that conference, I finally heard God say, "But you are." And this time, I believed Him.

151-155

151. Moments of self-discipline resulting in...
152. A tidy house that leads to...
153. A sense of peace and...
154. Time to play with my children which makes for...
155. A home filled with love and laughter insteady of anger and tears.

138-150

138. Fresh beginnings
139. New opportunities
140. Answered prayers
141. 2nd birthdays
142. Husband who never gives up.
143. Honesty to myself about my flaws and courage to admit them.
144. The healing power of writing.
145. Grace given to myself.
146. Littlest one's growing vocabulary.
147. Phone calls from friends just to say "Hi."
148. Spontaneous family times...two in one week!
149. Husband's craftsmanship.
150. Words of encouragement from a stranger.