156. A day of nothing after a day of busy.
157. Something written and posted...even just something.
158. Spontaneous visits from neighborhood friends.
159. Scheduled time with someone very missed.
160. Time to sit and read a book because I want to, not because I have to.
1.12.2013
But You Are
Two months ago, I began drafting a blog post. This is what I wrote:
4:40 am. Though my eyes pop open instantly, the black of the sky tells me the world is still asleep. A quiet glance at the clock confirms it, as do the two sleeping bodies in the hotel room with me. Though I give myself permission to go back to sleep, rest eludes me. My racing mind picks up right where it left off just five hours earlier when I had, just like I was trying to do now, willed myself to sleep. This time though, the attempt was futile.
4:55 am. I quietly slip into my jeans, grab my bible, and ease out the door, careful not to wake M & J. I rub sleep from my eyes and stifle a yawn as I make my way down to the business center. I settle into a computer, place my hands on the keyboard, and...freeze.
Oh, Lord, what do I want to say? How can I put into words the feelings and emotions and ideas that are pouring into me with the subtlety of a fire hydrant? I am drenched with the living water of the Holy Spirit and because I have known the barrenness of dry land, I could reach back and touch it the memory is so close to home, I welcome the gush and do not dare turn away.
I know this: I do not want to forget this moment. This day. This week. This year. Though I accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior almost 10 years ago, 2012 will forever be marked in my personal history book as the game changer. And this first week of November will forever be remembered as the moment of ?????????????????????????????????????????
And there began my case of writer's block. It's been over two months since I wrote anything. I always planned to go back and replace those question marks with words, yet the words wouldn't come. Every time I sat down to write, my mind would freeze like it did back in November when I typed out the original, unpublished post. Though I longed to share so much, the words just remained stuck, hidden, elusive.
What I have come to realize, however, is that even if the perfect words aren't there, I must just start. Start moving my fingers over the keyboard and get words up on the screen. It may not be pretty, it may not be
perfect, but it's a start. So here it goes.
When I began writing that post in November, I was in a hotel room in Nashville, Tennessee, attending a Women's Leadership Conference with Janet, the Women's Ministry Director of my home church, and good friend, Megan. Three days of inspiring speakers, thought-provoking seminars, intentional conversations, and powerful worship sessions culminated in a sleepless night that led me to the computer that early morning. Though I couldn't come up with the word that could describe the significance of that week in November, perhaps I can now. If 2012 will be marked as the game changer, then November can be described as the time I went from defense to offense. After nearly a year of focusing on myself and my spiritual well-being, it became apparent to me that it was time to focus on others and spreading God's message of love and redemption. Why else would God take me to a leadership conference? Out of all the qualified and deserving women to pick from, He chose me, a former doubter, a girl with no leadership experience at all, a girl so young in her own mind that she still calls herself a "girl" even though she is nearly 30 years old with a husband and two children.
And He didn't take me to just any conference. This wasn't a conference that focused on my spiritual growth, but rather on how to minister to other women and grow their relationship with God. It was a conference for leaders...to lead other women. But wait...I'm not a leader...am I? I voiced that question aloud to Megan during the trip and who, in my mind, is very clearly a leader. I will always be grateful for her simple, reassuring answer to me: "But you are."
I think the phrase I say to God most often is "I am not ________ enough." The blank looks different depending on the situation, but in terms of service and sharing God's love and spreading His message, it usually gets filled in like this:
4:40 am. Though my eyes pop open instantly, the black of the sky tells me the world is still asleep. A quiet glance at the clock confirms it, as do the two sleeping bodies in the hotel room with me. Though I give myself permission to go back to sleep, rest eludes me. My racing mind picks up right where it left off just five hours earlier when I had, just like I was trying to do now, willed myself to sleep. This time though, the attempt was futile.
4:55 am. I quietly slip into my jeans, grab my bible, and ease out the door, careful not to wake M & J. I rub sleep from my eyes and stifle a yawn as I make my way down to the business center. I settle into a computer, place my hands on the keyboard, and...freeze.
Oh, Lord, what do I want to say? How can I put into words the feelings and emotions and ideas that are pouring into me with the subtlety of a fire hydrant? I am drenched with the living water of the Holy Spirit and because I have known the barrenness of dry land, I could reach back and touch it the memory is so close to home, I welcome the gush and do not dare turn away.
I know this: I do not want to forget this moment. This day. This week. This year. Though I accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior almost 10 years ago, 2012 will forever be marked in my personal history book as the game changer. And this first week of November will forever be remembered as the moment of ?????????????????????????????????????????
And there began my case of writer's block. It's been over two months since I wrote anything. I always planned to go back and replace those question marks with words, yet the words wouldn't come. Every time I sat down to write, my mind would freeze like it did back in November when I typed out the original, unpublished post. Though I longed to share so much, the words just remained stuck, hidden, elusive.
What I have come to realize, however, is that even if the perfect words aren't there, I must just start. Start moving my fingers over the keyboard and get words up on the screen. It may not be pretty, it may not be
perfect, but it's a start. So here it goes.
When I began writing that post in November, I was in a hotel room in Nashville, Tennessee, attending a Women's Leadership Conference with Janet, the Women's Ministry Director of my home church, and good friend, Megan. Three days of inspiring speakers, thought-provoking seminars, intentional conversations, and powerful worship sessions culminated in a sleepless night that led me to the computer that early morning. Though I couldn't come up with the word that could describe the significance of that week in November, perhaps I can now. If 2012 will be marked as the game changer, then November can be described as the time I went from defense to offense. After nearly a year of focusing on myself and my spiritual well-being, it became apparent to me that it was time to focus on others and spreading God's message of love and redemption. Why else would God take me to a leadership conference? Out of all the qualified and deserving women to pick from, He chose me, a former doubter, a girl with no leadership experience at all, a girl so young in her own mind that she still calls herself a "girl" even though she is nearly 30 years old with a husband and two children.
And He didn't take me to just any conference. This wasn't a conference that focused on my spiritual growth, but rather on how to minister to other women and grow their relationship with God. It was a conference for leaders...to lead other women. But wait...I'm not a leader...am I? I voiced that question aloud to Megan during the trip and who, in my mind, is very clearly a leader. I will always be grateful for her simple, reassuring answer to me: "But you are."
I think the phrase I say to God most often is "I am not ________ enough." The blank looks different depending on the situation, but in terms of service and sharing God's love and spreading His message, it usually gets filled in like this:
"I am not talented enough."And at that conference, I finally heard God say, "But you are." And this time, I believed Him.
"I am not smart enough."
"I am not wise enough."
"I am not experienced enough."
"I am not good enough."
1.11.2013
151-155
151. Moments of self-discipline resulting in...
152. A tidy house that leads to...
153. A sense of peace and...
154. Time to play with my children which makes for...
155. A home filled with love and laughter insteady of anger and tears.
152. A tidy house that leads to...
153. A sense of peace and...
154. Time to play with my children which makes for...
155. A home filled with love and laughter insteady of anger and tears.
1.10.2013
138-150
138. Fresh beginnings
139. New opportunities
140. Answered prayers
141. 2nd birthdays
142. Husband who never gives up.
143. Honesty to myself about my flaws and courage to admit them.
144. The healing power of writing.
145. Grace given to myself.
146. Littlest one's growing vocabulary.
147. Phone calls from friends just to say "Hi."
148. Spontaneous family times...two in one week!
149. Husband's craftsmanship.
150. Words of encouragement from a stranger.
139. New opportunities
140. Answered prayers
141. 2nd birthdays
142. Husband who never gives up.
143. Honesty to myself about my flaws and courage to admit them.
144. The healing power of writing.
145. Grace given to myself.
146. Littlest one's growing vocabulary.
147. Phone calls from friends just to say "Hi."
148. Spontaneous family times...two in one week!
149. Husband's craftsmanship.
150. Words of encouragement from a stranger.
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