Answered Prayers

After getting dressed this morning, I stopped at my jewelry box and rifled through various pieces until I found the ring I was looking for. As I slipped it onto my finger, I thought about the man who gave it to me and the stories it told.

This ring came from my husbands grandfather, Kenneth Hasch, who first gave it to his wife, Carmen, before passing it on to me shortly before his death in 2007. That fact alone makes it special, but what truly touches me is how Grandpa himself acquired it.

Kenneth worked for Douglass Aircraft Company for over 30 years. The company gave him a pin with a small diamond in it for every five years he was employed there. Upon his retirement (35+ years later), he was presented with a larger diamond, as a symbol of recognition for his dedication to the company. Grandpa Hasch took all those diamonds and had it made into a ring for his wife, my husband's grandmother.

Unfortunately, I never met Carmen Hasch. She passed away mere weeks before I was introduced to my husband, but I was able to get to spend several family and holiday meals with Grandpa Hasch before he left us to join his wife in heaven. I was incredibly moved and humbled when he offered me this special piece of jewelry just months before he died. After all, this wasn't just a ring that he picked out in a jewelry store. Over thirty years of labor, sweat, and sacrifice went into earning these stones. The ring is a symbol of a man's dedication to not just a company, but more importantly, to his family.

Now the ring was too small for my ring finger, but too large to fit properly on my smallest finger. I couldn't decide which finger I should get it sized for, so I wore it on my pinkie, though it was a tad loose. This worked for awhile until the awful day that it didn't. The night I went to remove it from my hand and realized that it was gone is stuck in my memory forever, along with the sickening feeling in my stomach that accompanied it. I was horrified and told my husband the news through tears. I begged him not to tell anyone in the family, certain I would be crucified on the spot.

For months I carried the guilt, but none more than Grandpa's final weeks with us. While in the hospital the last week of his life (January 2007), he even asked me if I still had the ring. I swallowed the lump in my throat, nodded yes, and silently asked Jesus to forgive me for the lie and, more importantly, for losing such a precious family heirloom to begin with. During and after the funeral I was terrified that someone would ask about the ring and I would be forced to confess it was gone. Mercifully, nobody did and I went through the majority of the year getting away with the lie.

Fast forward to fall of the same year. It's evening and I am sitting in my bedroom closet on a step stool, praying. (I have no idea why I chose this particular place, other than I had just finished fighting with my husband and needed a quiet, dark place away from him to calm down and receive comfort from my holy father. Apparently the closet was the best place for that. That is the one and only time I have done that. It was a little weird, I confess.) As I was praying to God for peace, comfort, and wisdom regarding the battle my husband and I just had, I found myself inexplicably asking God about Grandpa's ring. I don't recall what had made me think about it, but I do remember in that moment earnestly asking him to help me find it. I wanted it so bad, I could feel it in my bones. It had been almost a year since I had lost it, so I knew that the only way to find it was if God performed a miracle and put it right in front of me.

I got up, made up with my husband, and got ready to turn in for the night. I stopped to transfer some clean laundry from the washer and as I opened the dryer door, there on the lint trap sat the ring. All I could do was stare. With trembling hands I reached out and picked it up. I started to cry as I slipped it on my finger. I started screaming to Nathan, "I found it! I found it! I found Grandpa's ring!" However, that wasn't true. God had found it...He had answered my prayer. Do you know how many loads of laundry I had done in the eleven months since I had lost the ring? Countless times I had emptied the lint trap and not once had the ring been there. But mere minutes after begging God to bring it back to me, and completely trusting in the fact that he would and he could, HE DID.

I get goosebumps every time I think of that moment. The very next day I took the ring to get sized and every single time I wear it, I think of Grandpa Hasch and the sacrifice and dedication it symbolizes, and I think of God and praise Him for answered prayers.

James, Week 1

Umm, excuse me? Where did the summer go? Wasn't I just getting ready to start "Breaking Free?" And now I am knee-deep into two new studies already? What happened?

Life moves fast. Even when it's filled with all kinds of fabulousness (is that a word?), if you don't stop to breathe, reflect, remember, and apply, what good is it? I fully intend to share my "Breaking Free" experience (it was too monumental not to), but first I feel the need to dive into my James study, since it is already half over. I told you, life moves fast!

To recap, this is my second time getting into the book of James. My first experience was last spring, during Tuesday Evening Bible Study. You can read about that here. At that particular time I only participated in the DVD portion. I like to think it was because I was just too busy to do the extra reading and bazillion days of Beth Moore homework (which can be very time consuming), but if I am completely honest it's because I was lazy and uninterested. However, God wasn't going to let me off the hook that easy. He changed my heart and my desire and when the opportunity came to do the study again, this time on Tuesday mornings, I jumped at the chance. I eagerly bought the book and dove into the homework with a zest I've never felt before and now never want to lose.

In week one, Beth wasted no time getting personal by asking us to delve into our family issues. And who doesn't have family issues? I am learning that everyone has at least one or two crazy people in their family...they may just have to reach farther back into generations or farther over into the extended family to find them. Personally, I struggle with being one of the very few members of my family who believe in and accept Jesus Christ as their savior. Satan loves to use this sense of isolation and loneliness to create in me feelings of inadequacy and doubt regarding my place in the church and even in God's love. Sometimes I don't know what bothers me the most...coming from a family of non-believes or coming from a family of divorce, addiction, and brokenness. So when I read about James being the brother of Jesus (Ready for an embarrassing confession? I didn't know that Jesus had siblings until I did this study. Yet I am a bible study leader! If that isn't God's work in me, I don't know what is!), and all the tension and hostility and raw emotions that come along with that, I felt relieved. I mean, family issues go all the way back to Jesus! He and I have something in common! They say misery loves company, and I can't think of better company than Jesus himself, the ultimate Healer and Restorer.

Then in the fourth day of the first week of homework, we are shown how James, the half brother of Jesus, went from being a doubter to a leader. I repeat: from a doubter to a leader. Do you see the parallel here? I was a doubter! Even though I went to youth group, accepted Christ, was baptized even, I still doubted! Yet, God has taken me from that place of unbelief and sent me sprinting in the opposite direction. Now I can't get enough of Him, enough of His word, enough of His presence and guidance and love, and I find myself wondering how I even got along without Him. Where my days used to be filled with thoughts of myself, now they are consumed with thoughts of Him. Frustrating years spent leaning on my own strength and understanding has led me to a new place of trusting God’s plan for my life. I could weep everyday for the love and grace that He pours out over me. This transformation has been in the works for at least ten years now, but most of it has drastically taken shape over the last ten months. I highlighted and circled the following sentences in my workbook (taken from scholar Scot McKnight, describing a "biographical reconstruction"):

"The first thing a convert does is tell his or her own biography in a new way. A basic reorientation is like this: what mattered most before no longer matters; what did not matter before is now central."

And that, my friends, is where I am at today. It's been a long road getting here, but luckily, God never gave up on me.

127-137

127. Friends who love my children.
128. Time to just write write write!
129. Songs of praise on the radio that make me want to dance in joy for Him.
130. A heart that yearns for Him.
131. Sand, sun, water, family, friends, food, laughter, relationships, memories, long walks, new experiences, easy conversations by firelight, gooey marshmallows, promises to repeat it all again next year...fabulous vacation.
132. Spur of the moment family dinners.
133. Rain that ends just in time.
134. Kindness and generosity of friends who don't mind working and getting their hands dirty.
135. The never-ending effort by husband to make our home beautiful.
136.Witnessing brotherhood.
137. New dreams forming in my heart by God's own hands.

126

126. Opportunities given to me by God! So excited right now, I am literally jumping up and down in joy!

116-125

116. Witnessing emotional growth in my children.
117. Words of affirmation from a peer.
118. A solid hour of focus on another person's feelings and emotions, rather than my own.
119. Feeling God work on my heart.
120. Confidence that it is God changing my heart and not my own power.
121. Answered prayers.
122. Patience and compassion in the face of urgency and frustration.
123. The constant overwhelming love I have for my children that always overshadows their imperfection.
124. Littlest One's adoration for his big brother.
125. A spouse who is all in, one hundred percent, no matter what.

Chaos, Crumbs, Contentment

I discovered something today. A light bulb moment, if you will. Here is what is was:

Serving other's fulfills a purpose in me that I didn't even know I had. And by living out that purpose, even in my imperfection, I find true joy and contentment.

Here is how I stumbled onto this life changing moment.

My good friend, Christine, came up with the brilliant idea of trading kids one day this past week while we had some date time with our husbands. After she watched our boys on Friday, it was my turn to take her two year old twins yesterday morning. So at 9am sharp, my home was filled with a one 1 year old, two 2 year olds, and 1 four year old. (Say that ten times fast!).

Laughter bounced off the walls, as did the occasional child. Shrieks pierced the room, as did the couch pillows and wayward Hot Wheels. Toy trains zoomed down tracks and miniature airplanes zoomed through the air. Four sets of little feet ran (not walked) on the hardwood floor, making tracks around the kitchen island, as well as memories. Snack time. Movie time. Twins go home time. Nap time. Ahhh...quiet.

But not for long, because here came Round Two. Cousin's Weston and Walker needed a place to camp out for a couple hours while Mom & Dad got a little time in at the shooting range in preparation for their up-coming hunting trip. The train engines were fired up, the blocks re-stacked only to be knocked over again and again, and sand piles were excavated by tractors and dump trucks as the four little boys did what they do best: explore and destruct and rebuild.

Two hours later, we said a goodbye to the cousins, only to say a hello to the twins again fifteen minutes later! This time, however, their parents stayed as our two families prepared and enjoyed a meal together. Laughter, conversation, food, beverage, and relationship filled our evening and it was good. It was comfortable. It was perfect.

Here is the best part about that meal...my house was a mess. Since I was watching children all day, I had only ten minutes to take a shower, which happened to be right before our friends arrived for dinner. (Read: Wet hair and no makeup the whole evening.) There wasn't much food in the house and no gourmet meal was planned. The table cloth had food on it from the night before, the ugly patio cushions had yet to be replaced, and the place settings didn't match. Oh, and for good measure, lets throw in there the multiple fits both of my boys displayed throughout the evening.

That's the best part, you ask? Yes, and here is why: Usually those kind of things would cause such anxiety in me that I would not be able to enjoy the evening. That anxiety would cause me to run around like a crazy women trying to make everything perfect and instead of focusing on the people in my home, I would be focusing on the silly details of my home itself, completely missing the relationships and memories God was putting right in front of me. However, that did not happen last night. Instead, as I looked at the footprints on the floor and the crumbs on the table, I felt content. Even as Benjamin screamed and kicked in a moment of frustration, I was filled with joy when I realized that I was okay with his imperfect behavior in front of our friends.

Today, as I reflected on where this peace came from, I can only conclude that it was because instead of spending a day focused on myself and my needs, I spent the day meeting the needs of four other parents. Small thing? Yes. But now I can't wait for the next opportunity to serve again. And then the next time. And then...

106-115

106. Morning church with a fellow mom in the same boat as I...children who don't do the nursery thing.
107. Church nursery staff who love my littlest one even when he screams like there is no tomorrow.
108. Worship music that insists I get to my feet, raise my hands, and praise my Father.
109. Unplanned conversations that jump from one topic to the next with ease.
110. Evenings on the patio, enveloped by the fading light of day and sound of children's laughter.
111. Casual dinners with friends in our home.
112. An entire day filled with peals of laughter and shrieks of joy from the multitude of children in our home as their parents enjoyed a day off.
113. Realizing that serving others makes me happy...truly happy!
114. A husband whom I miss when we are apart.
115. Laughing so hard you cry...even better when it's shared.

100-105

100. Women who care about other women...either as wives, mothers, writers...
101. Special days between a grandpa and his grandson.
102. Four Year Old's spontaneous welcome hug to a new guest in our home.
103. Grandmother's generosity of her time in the form of babysitting.
104. Weekly programs that teach my son God's word and of his love.
105. Littlest Ones form of kisses that feels more like a face smash.

I'm All In

It's been nine days since I agreed to co-lead a small group in Women's Bible Study at church. In that time, here is what I've done so far:

• Made a roster sheet and updated it at least five times, via email, phone calls, and sticky notes.
• Met my co-leader for the first time over coffee. Kristin and I got to know each other and hashed out the details of who does what and when.
• Rehearsed the introductory phone calls I would need to make to each woman in my group. Yes, phone calls to strangers scare me.
• Made said phone calls without passing out, giggling nervously, or messing up anyone's names. Luckily, most calls went to voicemail, so I was able to just read my script and then hang up. Yes, I wrote a script.
• Made "Get to know you" cards so a group of strangers could at least know one interesting thing about each other by the end of the morning.
• Reviewed our prayer "method" about a hundred times and practiced out loud about fifty...okay, maybe it was morel like twenty and ten. Still.
• Prayed about praying. It went something like this: Please, God, don't let me sound like an idiot in front of all these women. Give me the words and confidence that makes me sound articulate, smart, and genuine. And if you could change my voice to make me sound like a grown woman rather than an eight year old girl, that would be awesome. Oh, and please please please God, do not let me forget anyone's prayer request, because I will seriously just die from the shame and guilt. Amen. P.S. You are amazing. Amen.
• Made a sign directing people to the right room, since in my introductory phone calls, I told everyone the wrong room number. Oy.
• Completed the weekly homework because apparently the leaders are expected to do that. Something about setting a good example?
• Arrived 30 minutes early Tuesday morning, because, well...I don't really know why. I had nothing to do but contemplate which seat would be best and organize my folders and papers a dozen times.
• Meet my new small group, discuss the homework, explain the prayer method, close us out in prayer, and thank God for getting me through my first official day as a bible study leader.
• Sent a welcome email to the group in anticipation of our second week together. Yep, even after all that, God still was able to change my heart and my mind from fear and trepidation to one of confidence and peace. Then again, it's only Thursday. I better keep praying. :)

One thing is for sure: I am excited and eager and I am definitely all in. It's the only way I know how to be.

91-99

91. Friends who allow me to serve them.
92. Living in a small enough town that a mom can easily recognize half a dozen people on a random stop at the park.
93. Four Year Old's efforts at new skill.
94. Littlest One's clever ways of communicating.
95. The special language between a mother and child that only the two of them understand.
96. Two little boys who just love to love on everyone.
97. Seven years of commitment.
98. Taking the first tiny step to finally doing something that's really really hard.
99. A serious case of hero worship between father and son.

82-90

82. Words on paper that could have been written by me because her story is my story...a reminder that I am not alone.
83. Anticipation as sparks of a new friendship begin to ignite.
84. Many, many items crossed of the never-ending to-do list.
85. Obedient children as their mother drags them all over town to check off items of said list.
86. Dinner with friends...a dinner I didn't have to plan, prepare, or clean up after.
87. Husband who constantly reminds me that he is thinking of me, missing me, wanting me whenever we are not together.
88. A phone call from Husband that brings a smile to my face that is still there hours later.
89. Ice.cold.water. When one is thirsty, nothing tastes better.
90. Going to bed with a house still messy and being okay with that.

God's Opportunity

Some people live for Fridays (end of the work week, high school football games). Others love their weekends (for obvious reasons). But for me, Tuesdays are days I look forward to now. Women's Bible Study falls on this day of the week, both in the morning and in the evening. I have attended one or the other at different seasons in my life, but never both at the same time. Well, I can't say that anymore, because I now eagerly go to both!

Tuesday mornings are formatted into small discussion groups, followed up by watching the DVD as one large group (around 100 women or so). One of the serving opportunities that God put in front of me was co-leading one of these small groups. It was very tempting because I would already be a part of a group, so why not kill two birds with one stone...attend bible study and serve at the same time? However, like I mentioned in my earlier post, I felt pulled to Tuesday nights. Though I considered trying to do serve in both, I quashed that idea, reminding myself to just take baby steps and not get in over my head.

So yesterday was finally the first Tuesday of the new Fall Women's Bible Study session. I swear, I was like a girl getting ready for the first day of school. I picked out my outfit the night before (a new shirt, nonetheless!) and even put on eyeliner, which is a big deal for me. I'm not sure who I was trying to impress, but my husband liked it. Anyway, I made it through the whole morning without yelling at my kids (another big deal!) and arrived on time and eager to get started. I was placed in a small group with a very good friend of mine, which made the morning extra sweet. After a great DVD session and a get-to-know you conversation with the ladies in my group, I left church feeling very excited about the next eight Tuesday mornings.

Two hours later, the Women's Ministry Director calls. In a nutshell...drop-in enrollment was really high and another small group needs to be formed, and during training, I'd told her that if that happened, I could lead the new group if needed. Oh.

Umm...did I really tell her that? Yes, I do remember saying something along those lines (more like exactly those lines), but that was before I knew I was in Emily's group...and it was just a hypothetical situation when I offered that...and I like the idea of leading a group but I'm not really small group leader material... ohmygosh, what do I do now??

Well, I'll tell you what I did. I said "Yes." Here is why:

• There was a need. Small groups are just that...small. Think 8-10 people, not 20 which is what happened to a group yesterday. That just won't work.
• I offered. Who backs out of something they originally offered to do? Not me.
• I wanted to. Though I was simply happy (and a little relieved if I'm honest) to be a part of a small group and not lead one, deep inside I felt a twinge of regret that I didn't take on that role when it was offered to me. Though it scares me to death to think about leading a group of women in a bible study, I know it is one of the best and fastest ways to grow me in my faith and that excites me!

Right after I got off the phone with Janet (the Women's Ministry Director) I had a mild panic attack after realizing what I had just agreed to do. Satan bombarded me with all kinds of questions and accusations. "You don't have time to serve even more! You can't even manage what you've got on your plate right now and you haven't even started yet! Nathan is going to be so mad at you when he finds out that you agreed to take more on. You just wait...you are going to get overwhelmed, fall behind, and your relationships with your husband and kids will suffer for it. What were you thinking, anyway? Like you could lead a bible study? What do you know about the bible? You've only been a Christian for like 10 years or so and only recently have started really reading and enjoying the bible! What do you possibly have to offer these women? I bet the women in your group will run circles around you when it comes to bible knowledge. Then they will see you for the fraud that you are and you will be humiliated!"

Yep, all that in the span of five or ten minutes. Pretty intense. But then Nathan came home and he wasn't mad. He encouraged me and talked me down from the ledge, so to speak. A wonderful friend chose that time to text me, asking how my morning was, which lead to her encouraging words and affirmations. I began to breathe again and remind myself of something I had recently read:

My greatest weakness is God's greatest opportunity.

Well, here it is, God. The stage is Yours.

71-81

71. Shrieks of delight from my children as their mother puts down her to-do list simply to play with them.
72. Cool water from a hose that fills my mouth with the tastes of summer starting to wane.
73. Eagerness of little hands reaching for tomatoes on vines grown by daddy's hands.
74. Perfect orbs of color in a tangle of green that promise a reward of plump, juicy goodness at the first bite.
75. Children begging for more-more-more of nature's bounty.
76. Joyous laughter that a mere sprinkling of the hose on bare legs can bring.
77. Sweet four year old voice greeting his little brother with "Hi, my sweet baby!"
78. Helping, eager hands of first-born.
79. Scheduled friendship.
80. New opportunities for service and growth.
81. Humbling fear that puts me in my place...on my knees.

63-70

63. Four Year Old's willingness and joy to give his precious Matchbox car to a fellow boy in need of a smile.
64. The tap-tap-tap on my shoulder when I ask Littlest One what he wants.
65. Perfect parking spot, short lines, one available table in a sea of taken ones...ahh, dinner I didn't have to make, serve, or clean up after.
66. Sweet smiles and admiring glances from strangers as they compliment my children, reminding me just how beautiful, polite, and sociable they really are, even in the midst of driving me crazy.
67. The sudden stillness and darkness of the car ride home that instantly soothes me after an evening of lights and noise and movement.
68. The realization that just because I may want to be a certain type of person doesn't mean that is who God created me to be. I may be on to something here.
69. Light bulb moments.
70. Excitement building as I go just one more tiny step forward to becoming who He meant for me to be.

56-62

56. Husband's not just willingness, but eagerness to work as much as he can to provide for our family. I have learned that not all husbands are this way, so I try so hard not take it for granted!
57. Children who sleep in, giving me an extra hour of sleep!
58. Hard working hands of family who don't only say "Yes" when we ask them to help us remodel our home, but offer to sacrifice their time with their own family and stop progress on their own home to build ours.
59. Answer's to prayers we didn't even know we had.
60. Four Year Old's spontaneous hugs, accompanied by the words, "I wuv you, Mom."
61. Conclusions that leave me wanting more.
62. His perfect timing of His perfect messages.

God Answers

There has been an underlying theme in all the bible studies I have had the privilege of participating in this year and it is this: Serve Others.

I have served in the church in various capacities over the years. I've worked in the nurseries, been a part of a children's ministry, bought Christmas gifts for needy children (both local and global), and baked for the youth groups. However, I never felt like my heart was truly in my acts of service, but rather was simply filling a present need in the church body. If I am truly honest, the last couple of years I have selfishly hoarded my time to dedicate it solely to myself and my family. I think God allowed me this respite so I could focus on my family when they needed me the most. Then, at one of the most fragile states of my life as a mother and wife and follower of Christ, God called me off of the sidelines and into the game. This is kind of how the conversation went:

Me: "God, I just don't even know how to be happy anymore! Please, God, show me how to find joy!"
God: "Through obedience, you will get your joy back."
Me: "But what does that mean? What do I have to do?"
God: "What good is it if a man has faith, but has no deeds? Faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead." (from the book of James)
Me: "Okay, serving. I get that. But I'm not sure that I'm ready, God. I don't know enough."
God: "Let me meet you where you are. It is through loving and serving others that you will become mature in your faith and steadfast in your walk with me."
Me: "Okay, God. I will trust you and be obedient."

This conversation with God took place over the span of about six months. Then, through the "Breaking Free" bible study by Beth Moore, I discovered such a love for Jesus and an amazing sense of peace and satisfaction in Him that now I cannot wait to let that overflow into the lives of others. One of my greatest prayers these days is that every other person I come into contact with (from friends to neighbors to the Fed Ex guy to the grocery store clerk!) will see and feel the love of Christ in me and that there will be little room for doubt as to what Lord I serve.

So then I asked God, "Just show me where you want me, God. Present the opportunities to serve in your name." Boy, did He answer! In the span of two days, I was asked to serve Women's Ministry in three different ways! I looked at God and was like, "So, uh, you want me to serve other women I guess?" Though I naturally gravitate towards working with children because it feels easy and safe (kids are much kinder and less judgemental than adults are, as a general rule), I knew that in order to grow my faith and my knowledge, I needed to step out of my comfort zone and begin challenging myself. That is why out of the three fabulous options God presented me with, I felt Him nudge me towards helping my good friend, Robin, with her Tuesday night bible study class. Robin pushes me and challenges me to a level of authenticity I rarely see in women and her knowledge of the bible is enviable. Selfishly, I hope to glean some of that wisdom from her, and I look forward to using Tuesday evenings as a safe place to take a risk and just be me...because sometimes, in a world of women, being yourself is the hardest thing to do.

50-55

50. Mornings filled with easy friendship and hot coffee.
51. Family's helping hands.
52. Built in friendships in the way of cousins.
53. Husband who genuinely wants to make me happy and shows it!
54. Another item checked off my list...and this one shows just how amazingly God provides. (ie: I balanced the check book and paid the bills).
55. Good friend's reminder that we are in this together...referring to motherhood and all the joys and trials that come along with it.

41-49

41. Littlest One's laughter...the kind when you laugh so hard, no sound comes out. Now that is joy.
42. Four Year Old's honesty: "I just don't like having to do what you tell me to!" Ahh, so that's the problem. I didn't notice.
43. Visual progress on domestic duties (i.e. I did the dishes).
44. In-laws who love me and welcome me like their own.
45. Friends who selflessly lend out their possessions.
46. Lost terms of endearment from Husband have been found again.
47. Husband's unashamed and endless love for Littlest One and Four Year Old...I could never tire watching that man love on his children.
48. Reminders that I am not alone in my feelings.
49. Beautiful orange moon that guides me home at night.

36-40

36. Four Year Old's outgoing attitude and social personality that brings a smile to many strangers faces.
37. Littlest One's cautious nature that will (hopefully) rub off just a bit on Four Year Old...just enough to keep him safe.
38. Saturday morning snuggles in Mommy & Daddy's bed.
39. Love between two brothers in the form of hugs, kisses, and concern.
40. Friends encouraging words of support on new endeavors.

Part 1

The Stats:

• Born: November 16, 1983
• Siblings: Youngest of 5 children, from a blended family: my two oldest brother (14 and 21 years older than me) are from my father's first marriage, my sister (15 years older than me) is from my mother's first relationship, and my third brother (7 years older than me) is a "whole" sibling, versus a "half" sibling. Got that all straight? I know it's a bit confusing.
• Parents: Divorced when I was very small (to young to even remember them living in the same house). I lived with my dad from the time I was six years old and spoke my with mom every night and saw her every week.
• Hometown: I was born and raised in a tiny town on the Central Coast of California, and still live here today. Same goes for my husband. Can you tell we don't like change?
• Married: September 10, 2005 to a man I met the day after I graduated high school. We dated four years before tying the knot. Nathan works for the local fire department and I still have to pinch myself when I think about the fact that I married a firefighter! I could still jump up and down when I think about it, ha!
• Children: Two bea-u-tiful little boys that make my heart melt whenever I look at them (okay, whenever I look at their picture or when they are asleep and angelic). Benjamin (identifiable by his blond curls and cute-as-a-button nose) is 4 and Brayden (my sweet freckle-faced boy with his daddy's blue eyes) is 1. My children humble me like nothing ever has in my life. I also love them like I never have loved another in my life.

The Good Stuff:

I was raised in a (for lack of better term) non-religious household. We believed in God (I think), but never went to church, didn't pray (except when I insisted on it), and if we owned a bible, I never saw it. Jokes were sometimes made about those "Jesus" people, especially when the Jehovah Witnesses came to our door. I would say cynicism was more our religion than Christianity.

Then, when I was in 5th grade, a friend invited me to a local Awana chapter, which is a weekly youth program designed to teach and encourage children to read the bible and follow Christ.  Games, snack, activities, and awards were all highlights each week and I really responded well to it. I memorized scripture, asked questions, and instilled the new practice of giving thanks for our meals each night before dinner in our home (much to my dad and brother's dismay). I started attending youth group at the local Nazarene church in junior high with my friends, but because my family didn't attend the church, I never felt like I quite belonged. However, I did make the choice to get baptized there when I was 13, which my family and friends all witnessed.

I continued attending youth group throughout my first years of high school. Then, at the end of my sophomore year, I met my first real boyfriend, who was not a believer. We all know how this story ends. He showed interest in me and I was weak and insecure so I fell hard and completely isolated myself to everything but him. I pushed aside or flat out ignored his red flags and I remained in a much-too-serious relationship with him for my last two years of high school. Then, by the grace of God, I was broken free from that relationship just a week before graduating. I accepted my diploma with a light and free spirit and a joy for life that I hadn't felt in a very long time.

Enter Nathan Hasch. A Christian man, an "I've got a plan" man, a fire-fighting man, an honorable man. I swooned, this time not just because he liked me, but because I truly liked him. I didn't even know they made men like this! This is the kind of man little girls dream of marrying some day, and here he was, standing right in front of me, holding the car door open, waiting for me to get in. Yes, real men do that, you know.

You know what else a real man does? He invites the woman he loves to church, over and over again, until that woman finally says "Yes." Or in my case, "Fine. If it will get you off my back already, fine. I'll go once." You see, in my relationship with my high school boyfriend, there was no room for God. Satan saw his opportunity and used that time to plant seeds of doubt in my head that just grew and grew and grew before
God finally said, "Enough."

So I went to chuch. I resisted attending the traditional Sunday morning service, so instead we went to the more contemporary evening option. I fully intended to go once, hate it, and refuse to go back. But you know what? I liked it. I liked it a lot. So much so that I agreed to go back a second time. And then a third. A few months later I found myself answering an altar call and through my tears asking Jesus back into my life and into my soul. He answered and He has never left.

Stay tuned for Part 2...

27-35

27. Impromptu family-of-four nights.
28. Littlest One and Four Year Old's uninhibited dancing, simply because they hear music.
29. Husband's never-ceasing hard work on our home.
30. The warmth of coffee that seems to penetrate my soul and thaw me from the inside out.
31. Littlest One's growing vocabulary.
32. The Ultimate Healer providing my children with the best earthly one...Dr. Patterson is truly a gift to us.
33. Cool, overcast mornings that hint at the coming season of thick sweaters and well-worn jeans.
34. Women welcoming other women.
35. Husband's helpful hands and (more importantly), his helpful heart.

21-26

21. Baby books and old journals that pull me back in time.
22. 4 Year Old's big dreams for his future.
23. Husband's welcoming arms after just two hours apart.
24. The sweet mix of anticipation and a tinge of fear that comes when stepping out of one's comfort zone.
25. 4 Year Old's desire to help his daddy, his mommy, his grandparents...help anyone.
26. Chipping away at the never-ending stack of paperwork that insists on being filed.

16-20

16. Long, delicious naps.
17. Lingering summer heat that just begs for water play with my boys.
18. Abundance of food.
19. Flirtation from Husband, even after 11 years together.
20. Anticipation for a day of learning.

For energy, focus, and wisdom

Dear Heavenly Father,

I was so looking forward to church this morning, God. I couldn't wait to sings songs of praise to you, raise my hands up high and just focus solely on your love and mercy. For one hour and fifteen minutes, I could easily just rest in you.

However, the nursery was full and my uninterrupted hour with you God turned into a party of three. I was distracted with little hands, mischievous smiles, and the sparkling blue eyes his daddy gave him. Yet even amidst all those distractions, you still met me there, God. I felt your presence and was surprisingly patient and relaxed even though my morning was not going as planned. This, as you know, God, is progress for me, and I know it comes directly from you!

Tonight, God, I ask you for a solid, restful night's sleep so tomorrow can be filled with productivity. I desperately want to support Nathan as he continues to strive to make our home beautiful, so I must complete these task-oriented items. I ask you to give me focus and direction and energy as I cross things off of my to-do list. Remove the distractions, God, please? This will have to come from you, as social media and other time-wasters have a very strong pull on me! As always, I ask for patience with my children as these things get done. The desire is there, God, I just need energy and motivation and time.

Tonight, God, you heard the questions Benjamin asked me...the ones about Heaven. Oh, God, I just don't know if I am ready for these questions! It is times like these I feel so inadequate because I don't even know the answers or how to describe them to a young child like my own. How do I tell him where Heaven is? He asks if it's in the sky and I find myself thinking, "Well, that's where I always thought it was!" How am I to respond, God, when his little eyes fill with tears because I told him that when he goes to Heaven, he can't come back to Earth? I had to hide my own salty tears when he cried out that he would miss me and didn't want to be away from me. How do I answer that, God, especially when I share the same fears? Or the question, "Why can't we see God?" I don't really know! So I just ask you to give me wisdom, God, and give me opportunities and the desire to learn more about you, not just for my own knowledge, but also for my sweet little boys. 

I love you, Lord, so so much. I am finding such joy in you, God, and from the bottom of my heart, God, thank you for that.

Amen.

6-15

6. Husband's vulnerability with nobody but me.
7. 4 year old's hard and honest questions about life and death...and the innocent and raw tears that spilled out on both our cheeks as I answered them.
8. Littlest one's absolute delight in Daddy's fire engine...
9. And his absolute ear-piercing protest when it was time to leave said fire engine. At least he's passionate.
10. Opportunities for growth.
11. An answer given, even if not exactly what I was hoping for. It was still an answer.
12. Husband's pure and honest desires for me as a woman of Christ.
13. Family who helps.
14. Husband's steps toward God's purpose.
15. Evening quiet.

For Patience

Dear Father,
Today I desperately need patience. These boys are about to do me in. As they ran amok this morning, leaving Cheerios and play-dough in their wake, I counted down the minutes to their nap, barking commands at them all the while. Finally the clock hit the blessed time and whoosh, into bed they were plopped. But alas, neither of them slept, and I spent over an hour begging, cajoling, and threatening them to sleep. No such luck. It is now time to allow them to get up from their non-nap, so I just beg you, Father, to give me the most patience you can muster, because I sooooooo desperately need it. Fill my mouth with kind words, loving thoughts, and when I do need to discipline them, help me to do it out of love, rather than wrath. 
Amen

1-5

1. A reminder that even though my children can drive me crazy, at least they are here to do so.
2. Littlest boy's simple, contagious joy just by exclaiming a name...my name...Mama.
3. Four year old's focus and concentration when Mama need's it most.
4. Squirrels antics in the front yard just at the time when I desperately need a reason to smile, even just fleetingly.
5. So many opportunities for acts of service...how does one decide?

The Beginning

It was only supposed to be a four-week bible study. To be brutally honest, I was only going because I had heard it was about getting your house and schedule organized. I figured it would be a Martha-Stewart-meets-Jesus kind of thing. Count me in! I convinced Nathan that my being gone for the next four Tuesday evenings would greatly benefit our entire household.

However, it was so much more than how to keep a tidy home. The title was "From the Inside Out...lining up your head, heart, and home with God's priorities for your life." To read more about how that study impacted my world, click here. Let it suffice to say that it really made me re-think my priorities and lit a fire in me to actually make some changes in my day-to-day living...not just think about them, but actually do them.

So as the four weeks came to a close, I learned that the next six weeks of Tuesday Night Bible Study would be a Beth Moore DVD series on the book of James in the Bible. I was a little intrigued, because who doesn't love Beth Moore? For those of you who are not familiar with this vivacious, larger than life, often times hilarious, and painfully honest Christian teacher, I highly recommend you look her up and try out one of her studies. She'll change your life in one way or another, I promise!

Anyway, like I said, my interest was piqued, but I had promised Nathan that I was only doing this one 4-week study, and then Tuesday nights would be his again. We were already apart two nights a week while he attended a semester long class at the local junior college, as well as Thursday nights while I practiced downward dog and level breathing at yoga. So to add a fourth night away was asking a lot, especially when he works 48 hour shifts. So I dismissed the idea of being a part of this new study. I wasn't too disappointed, since I didn't even really know what it was about (I knew as much about the book of James as I do about, say, astrophysics...i.e. NOTHING).

However, I couldn't get it out of my head. It's like there was this little voice in my head, whispering, "Do it. Don't ask why. Don't make excuses. It will be a sacrifice, yes, but Just. Do. It." So I did. I showed up the first Tuesday night, wondering what I was doing there. That doubt magnified when I realized that the whole first session, we weren't even going to turn to the book of James. It was all about getting a little history on the man first. Okay. Sure. I can see that, I guess. Makes sense. Not terribly exciting, but beneficial.

But then the next week, we spent the whole session on just the very first verse of the book of James! Literally, the whole session on this one line: "James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings."  Now you might think, "How in the world can one spend a whole hour on a simple salutation?" Yeah, I thought that, too. But obviously, you and I don't know Beth Moore. She broke down practically every word of that verse and then spoke about what he didn't say in that verse! On and on she went about this Greek transliteration and that Hebrew translation, and I'll admit y'all (that's what Beth says...y'all, being the true Texan she is), she lost me. Just as I'm wondering what in the world I was doing, giving up precious family time to be here, listening to this bible mumbo-jumbo, she said it. She spoke the answer to the question that just hours earlier I had cried out to God while standing in my kitchen, desperate and broken. Here is what her words were:

"Through obedience, you are going to get your joy back."

I sat up straight. I looked around. Did anybody else hear that? Did anyone else just get goosebumps? Nobody else looked like they had just seen a ghost, but boy, did I feel like I just did. My hand shook as I wrote those words down on my paper...through obedience, you are going to get your joy back..., and I was surprised to feel my cheeks wet with tears. How did she know? How did she know?

"She didn't know," I heard God whisper in my ear. "I did."

Oh. My. God. Don't think I'm being blasphemous here, because it was literally, Oh My God...He was there!! Talking to me! Earlier that day, in a moment of frustration and despair, I cried out to Him, "I don't even know how to be happy anymore! I can't even remember what that's like! Please help me, God! How do I find that joy again, God?"

He answered me that night. Through Beth Moore, through a study that I wasn't even supposed to be a part of, through an hour long session of--not going to lie here--boring translations that made me think about ditching out early, He answered me! And as I continued to go back, week after week, He continued to speak to me, over and over again. The final session was titled "Between the Rains," referencing the dry seasons in our life, when we aren't particularly feeling God's presence. It struck me then that I was in a rainy season and I was loving it. I was walking in the rain and I never wanted to get out.

Well, what do you know, the following week would mark the start of a new bible study..."Inside Out: Part 2!" Didn't I just say that I never wanted to get out of the rain? It was only four weeks long...so I meekly asked my husband if I could just do this last bible study (promise!), and off I went for another four Tuesday nights.

It was around this time that it had been suggested to me by some close friends that I do another Beth Moore study, title "Breaking Free," which is about breaking free from the chains of captivity, which is anything that hinders an abundant and effective spirit-filled life that God intended for us. Umm, yeah...I need that like I need air to breathe! When I asked the Women's Ministry leader to borrow this DVD series, she casually mentioned that she'd like to do it over the summer as well, and maybe perhaps we could put together a small group of women to do it together? Well, absolutely we can! Just let me go ask my husband...